Heeey!!! Sooooo.....

I've been doing pretty good, i think. I got a job at the amazon-like warehouse, which turned out to be easier than i imagined. I've only had one shift so far last week, and wasn't able to do this week cuz college. My body was aching after i came home, but i didn't even think i would manage at all.

College has been... ehh fine i guess? I started trying to do my assignments at least. I do struggle but at least that's something.

Have been trying to socialize a bit too. I'm not doing very good at it as well. But yesterday i even talked to a girl from the extra class (that we are forced to go though this year) and we walked home together. Well, almost. We walked til the store together and then she left alone. I don't know if she just wanted to go the rest alone or thought i was creepy... Guess I'll never know! (because i will never try talking to her ever again ^^)

It's been a couple of weeks since i got my new glasses. I got used to them pretty quickly. Whihc is good. Cuz now i can actually wear them all the time, as i'm supposed to. And i also got a haircut last week.

I am working on a 40~ second animation right now. It's work time right now is over 25 hours, and i'm on the clean-up + inbetween + colouring stage. Yeah, I'm doing it all in one, cuz i need a break from clean-up. It's looking very good so far!! so excited for it, and I'm trying to work on it instead of doing nothing while i still have the motivation.

I wanted to add something else but i forgot....

I've also been getting into the owl house again lately, i spent my entire mobile data pack last month on cartoons. I kin Hunter btw.

One thing i said to my sibling recently was, "You start to see the world differently after a phychotic episode".

My mental wellbeing has been improving since i quit discord and deleted my old channels. I'm not sure what's the reason and what's the consequence here, but oh well. I seem to be getting by just fine without talking to people other than my sibling. I've also had comments disabled on both my art on BSky and youtube, for the same reason. I think these lyrics said it quite nice:

"Well, this dicease is defined by it's treatment, -
You people make me sick."

Maybe I'm better off alone?

sometimes distractions work too good.

i completely forgot i don't hav e afriend anymore.

we should've seen it coming. it wasn't meant to last from the start.

but i still wonder, why does everyone i get close to leaves? maybe i deserve it.

i am so weak.

i try so hard to get any willpower to study and work but i still cannot. i still get knocked over by the lightest wind.

i can't do much on my own. maybe my mother was right. maybe i'll never be independent.

maybe i'm just not meant to be happy.

maybe my purpose in life is to suffer.

maybe i'm the modern jesus.

i hate everything and everyone.

the world is cruel and not fair and i don't wanna be a part of it.

Me when i feel left out after not particiapating in any group activities

Welp, that's embarrassing.

So i moved on the weekends. Was very veryyyy dissociated. Nothing felt real. I mean it is pretty usual, but it was much worse. I spent the rest of the day playing minecraft... My roommate glanced over at me a couple of times when she was going to her room. I thought she wasn't happy to see me there... But the next day she came up to me and actually introduced herself. She'd also an artist and she plays genshin.

Also another girl was supposed to live with me in the room but she left immedeately bcs she "doesn't wanna live with strangers". And i SO understand her. That's one of main reasons i didn't wanna move in here.

There's no WI-FI here, so i have to use my mobile data. I'm a little conserned about how fast i'm gonna use it up, but my roommate said she can turn on her hotspot if i need to since she's got unlimited data. I need to look into different plans though too...

Yesterday was very boring in college cuz i dont do anything in 2 of 3 classes we had. I picked up my friend's laptop and had to carry it all the way from college cuz i wanted to go to the store on the way back... Wish i took a taxi tbh. I dropped the bag with groceries and the milk bag popped ToT. And my arms still hurt.

Today i slept in and missed college... Couldn't care less. I wasn't feeling good yesterday anyway.

Also i made a song. heres the link... and this is the beepbox

Anddd i'm finally working on characters' refs. Yeah.

Was forced to visit family twice and the year JUST started. Now i'm being forced to move to a different apartment. I hate it. I don't wanna live with someone else. I don't want my guardian to control my life. If I cannot do what i want in my life, then i don't want it at all.

I knew I was gonna kill myself sooner or later, and was planning on this month... Guess it's time. I'm gonna pack all my stuff... And clean up. And then I'm gonna stream on that day.

People laugh at my struggles. It's entertaining. Then I'll give them a show.

Though planning it more makes me second guess it, so I shouldn't do it. Don't overthink it. This day would come either way.

In a little while, I'll be gone.

i can never feel at ease when things are good... i know it's not gonna last.

i'm enjoying playing minecraft and sky a lot. I helped Simon finish building WTC today and also fell from it 4 times...

also cleaned the apartment. just wiping dust off every surface. it's it ironic how dusty everying gets, knowing i'm allergic? I mean... i know it's probably the depression. But at least once a week i pick up the trash and clothes from the floor of my room!

the senester ended and i closed my last assignment yesterday. i also had a scheduled minecraft gaming sesh with two people. we were building houses, and simon was building a WTC. i played for the longest out of all cuz i wanted to finish my house. played for 6 hours straight.

[redacted]

we finally got money for food that we're supposed to get monthly so i went to the store yesterday and bought some stuff. pomelo.

thinking of starting streaming on twitch... i play and draw more regurarly now so i can stream sky, minecraft and art. don't know if i will though. Might try on the break.

also i just realized it is NOT, in fact, friday yet. i got confused when the person i planned to play MC on friday said "can't wait for the friday" orz

AAGHHHH!!!!! i'm so busy with college work i don't wanna do this!!! I wanna play minecraft!!! I played with a guy yesterday and we made a base and it's super cool and shit... I will most likely not be able to play for the next 2 days

Also turns out i'm gonna be alone for the new years... I don't care for celebrating that much, i hate the noise, that's why i don't wanna visit family. Nan said she won't be able to come bcs of reinstallation. My friend visits her bf for the holidays... So i'm alone. At least i have games am i right?

also i got new markers!!! as a xmas gift!!! so cool so awesome... i messed around with them a bit, but i don't rlly have time rn T-T

a while ago, our teacher gave us a task to write instruction to a lego robot. As in, we were supposed to write out every step in words, based on the picture instructions. i spent multiple hours on it, staying up late.

then she forgot about it. so a couple of classes lates, i reminded her, and then she asked us to send her those in.

then a few more classes passed, she didn't mention it. i came up to her, asking about it. she said that work would not be graded.

i felt berayed. like in first class of math in high school, when the teacher gave us the task to write an essay about how math affects our panebts' jobs, just to say it was a joke the next class.

i don't need a grade, dammit, i don't make half the graded work (at least in time), i just want at least asknowlage the work that went into it. I have a really hard time focusing on college tasks, cuz i'm not interested in them, and i often feel like i don't understand how to do anythiing, despite my classmates dealing with everything just fine.

i just want someone to notice when i'm trying.

Im sitting in the computer science class rn waiting for the teacher to be free to check my project. The sun shines so fucking bright and I'm trying to cover my screen with my shadow to reduce the reflecting lights. My spine is warm. It's very quiet, the classes are ongoing. It's weird, but it feels like spring. This sleepy, lazy atmosphere, like we're about to leave for summer break. And it's warm outside, despite it snowing a few days ago. I am of the opinion that weather here changes more often than my mood. Can weather be BPD-coded? I guess anything can. It's not like it's a real thing anyway, just a label.

I feel weird when the weather is like this... All i can say is that it feels like spring. I have a dedicated playlist for this feeling. Glass beach's cul-de-sac, neon glow, 1015, bone skull and more, cuckoo song, record player song, pretty much all the he's not with us anymore album by casio dad, kyu-kurarin. Usually i listen to different music.

everyone can go fuck themselves. i have no desire to be a part of this society.

honestly, i like jax. not in tumblr sexyman way, but in the way that i like him as character, i like seeing him torturing others. but i like seeing him suffer too, it's funny. and with the new episode, gangle felt very unusual and honestly? creepy. fucking hate those over-positive people/characters. they are at best just annoying, and at worst unsettlng. so when he said "i liked you better when you were sad" i think the same. at that point i wouldn't just having fun athcing him torment angle as per usual, i would support that...

ANYWAY traumatized jax s????? i love it haha

i think people who fan over characters like jax and alastor often mischaracterize them by giving them redeeming qualities. by making them "soften" or open up to someone. and what i have to say? that's stupid. no, jax would not have a "emberassing crush" on you/your oc/canon char! jax is a sadist. and i think if anyone like him was put in a one room, they'd start fighting immedeately. maybe i'm projecting?

anyway it's 2:30 in the morning i should hit the hay

fuckign wish i wasn't sober rn. i'm gonna need something to keep me alive just for long enough

we're doing pizza today. i'm using the same recipe and modifying it every time, but i think i have a perfect one for fluffy pizza dough:

• 500mg flour
• 2 tbsp sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 dsp yeast
• 2 tbsp veg. oil
• 200ml warm water

i might post stuff here. not sure tho. i don't like talking about myself, so i might just post general work and maybe life updates, as well as stuff i'll get in inbox.